I feel the need to come in terms with something in my life.
This summer has been one of the most unforgettable one yet. I have come to know some of the best people in my life.
As I lie in bed contemplating useless thoughts in my head, I think it is necessary for me to share with somebody—anybody.
In these past few weeks, these people are slowly leaving one by one and I feel like a small part of me dies little by little. I get lonelier and lonelier but I will not tell them as they all head into a new chapter of their life.
I miss them. I feel as if I have been left behind and forgotten.
Having friends has never been the easiest thing for me, despite the optimistic front I put up. I have been used and thrown aside. I have been that last friend because everyone else was busy. I have been forgiving every time I have been uninvited or stood up and I tell them “it’s okay” and “I’m used to it.”
Days becomes weeks and weeks will become months. Even for me, my patience wears thin and I become more and more insecure.
Quite frankly, having friends scares me. I always find that I set myself up for disappointment. The closer they become the more afraid I get about how one day they will hurt me.
I can never tell whether or not I have friends. One thought leads to another. And I cannot help but think maybe I am better off alone.
I know, it is horrible that I have such little trust in my friends. But it is not the friends that I do not trust. I cannot trust myself. Who am I to say that I am even deserving of a friend?
I do not know who will read this. And honestly I am surprised of myself to have the guts to even post this for the world to see. But these thoughts have consumed me and I become more and more sardonic.
I am not asking for sympathy or pity. I do not even know what to ask for.
But I wonder, is anyone listening?